So I'm down with 6 COS duties for the month of Sep. Haiz. Okay, I must say I think I'm quite used to doing COS already, since I've already done so many. And I think right now I'm better at using the microsoft and the programming. Actually some of these things r simple but juz tt I'm such a comp-i-diot that I've to learn all these SIMPLE stuff.

I think this month will be quite peaceful as 99% of the ppl will be busy going to Changi Airport EVERYDAY to be luggage-porters and hence, me being not involved, hopefully can slack abit.

And this morning I nearly fainted during flag-raising. Thanks to my CSM who has done a good job by asking him to accompany him to TALK COCK becuz he couldn't sleep. N so we ended up from 12+am "talking" all the way till 4am b4 he says he wanna sleep. N throughout tt period he was doing ALL the talking, abt his life stories and moral values n I will be like nodding my head saying "Hmm.. yeah yeah.. ya..ya" So he was mentioning abt how "some commanders" who appeared to be friendly on the outiside r actually very scheming. Wow.. I was rather shocked y on earth will he tell me such thing. But wellz, it's true lar. This is a "dog-bite-dog" world, u will get eliminated if u r the weakest link.

And today n tml I'm being FORCED to apply my precious leave. Fark. That means end of the yr I can only apply lesser no. of days of leave.

So now I shall hopefully "enjoy" life while I can, although I seriously doubt any1 can really enjoy in such a god-damn camp.

Money and nothing else shapes my destiny. With money, u can do virtually anything that u like. With money, I shall decide my own fate.

Don't try to give me some kind of "CME" lesson. Really, u ppl r farking worse than me, and stop acting as if u ppl r demn "zai" in front of the men. And farking hell, pls stop comparing me with some pea-brain idiots. They deserve to die.

I wish I have great spening power. I need money. More money. I don need anything else.

Don't blame me for your mistakes. Blame youself. So what if I'm despicable>? It doesn't matter to me anymore. Your downfall ensures my survival. This is the real world. Face it! Even if u manage to get rid of me, I make sure I will have my revenge. The smile in me hides a daggar behind. Stay away from me or I'll make sure ur life gets as miserable as mine.

Sumtimes I donno wat's the farking problem with this particular SGT who's so demn blardy against JC ppl. Or shld I say, farking against me. Kaoz, n the joke is tt he's from TPJC last time. He would say things like "wah laoz, u JC student can don disgrace JC student's face anotz. Can u put in more effort anotz?" or "why u can down PES arz? wtf... i think I also wan to down PES lorz, since u now here so SLACK n do nth"

Farking hell, he's really really getting on my nerve, or shld I say a few of my other friends' nerves as well. N he was asking me why DIDN'T I wanna choose to go command sch when I was in BMT. So I replied "don wan lar, kaoz, pls lorz, so many ppl go command sch is either they do well in A-levels if not is their wa-yanging skills are demn good. Owellz, since I possess neither, for wat I waste my farking time go. Kaoz, NO PRIDE lorz. Alot ppl go command sch no leadership skills lorz, I think any1 also can go if they wan." N he was speechless. Guess he knows sacarsm's dripping from my words.

N it took me so long to understand a simple saying which is "Please fight for wat u really want."
Guess I'm juz retarded or wat. Anyway, really, if u really wan smth, fight for it even at the expense of literally anything. It's all right if u r DESPICABLE. There's always sum1 who is more scheming n cunning than u.

I think I can be an asshole jerk if I want to be. -_-'''

Everyday I will look up the sky and I will wonder to myself... ...

WHEN WILL I GET THE SH*T OUT OF THIS FARKING HELL PLACE!? Arzz!! I really wish tt I can have wings n fly the hell out of this unit.

Then I will heave a sigh n I know it won't be tt soon. Kns.

O..And "somebody" who's equivalent status to tt of Mr Kim Jong Il of North Korea in my camp started talking rubbish which really pissed some of us off. Wellz, it's the same old scolding again. Things like whoever always on status will get all the WEEKEND duty, if not he said smth like he DISPISED ppl who r always on status all things like tt. I donno wtf is wrong with this idiot. It's either he has no brain (most likely the case) or brain tt doesn't work. Farking hell, the sight of him really irks me much.

But on a lighter note, I seem to enjoy the company of my new platoon's ppl. SOmetimes it's really interesting to hear abt their life b4 NS. These stories u don really get to hear from typical JC/poly ppl who spent most of their time in sch in the past. Instead, I'm really fascinated by some of the encounters they have, their experiences etc, n I will go "wow" most of the time. Staying up in the night to hear them tok cock to me, whereby I'm always doing the listening most of the time. N I think it's really much better than being in a platoon of pure JC/poly ppl, u will get bored to death cuz there's nth exciting to hear abt.

And frankly speaking, initially I was really excited to be involved in IMF. But now, I really wish I'm not involved in it. Kaoz, we have to do 12 hours shift EVERYDAY during the IMF period, then will go back to camp to rest, n then go back airport again. The worse thing is that our duty is to be LUGGAGE PORTER. It's not tt I despise the job or watz, but I think my hands will break helping to carry all the luggage.

Haiz, COS duty on 27th Aug Sunday. Sianz! This means I will still be inside here till end of Aug!? Argz!! How long must I stay there!?

FARK LAR!!!

WHY I NEED TO BOOK IN LATER 8AM WHEREBY MY FRIEND WHO ALSO ATTEN C ON SUNDAY GET TO BOOK IN AT 9PM !? ARGZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!

AM I JUUST FARKING SUAY OR WHAT!?

Fark my unit. So juz now I went to CGH to collect my medicine, becuz it's not available in alexandra hosp, so I need to go CGH collect. Nvm, so I've been having quite a terrible runny nose these few days and so I was thinking since I'm at the hosp, I might as well go see the doctor and get some flu medicine. Okay, so it's juz some normal flu n I'll need to stay at home today and tml to rest, if not I will need to carry lots of tissue paper with me wherever I go. So I'm on atten C for 2 days.

Then I realised I need to book in tonight becuz there's 'live firing' tml (which I'm excused n I donno wat the hell I go back for.) Anyway, so I called back my coy line to tell the COS abt my new status, and I got farked.

Conversation :

Me: I'm on atten C, for today and tml, so may I know what time I need to book in tml(sun)?
COS: Do u know that OC has passed the rule that no1 is allowed to take MC outside camp?
Me: I donno... cuz I wasn't in camp this whole week, n I had no choice but to go outside camp to see doc.
COS: Wellz, whatever it is, u juz report back in camp tml 8am.
Me: But I thought the rule is that unless my MC is 3 days or more, if not I no need to come back camp to endorse it? Since mine is only 2 days, I thought I juz need to go back camp till my MC expires?
COS: @#$%^&*@#$%^&* No! U come back tml morning at 8am!
Me: Okay, I'll book in tml at 8am.

**Hung up the phone**

As the saying goes : "Lan lan SUCK THUMB!"

"I juz have to say I'm stupid and I do things w/o thinking thru my brain (if I have 1 in the 1st place) and I'm just a bloody loser who can't accept reality, who can't change his thinking and I wish to escape from all my problems. Fark it!"


I kinda feel that I've come to a state where I'm just trapped in my own narrow set of thinking, and I'm really really tired of "trying" to put on a "brave" front when in the first place I know I'm not able to take it. Worse still, I really sick n tired of ppl telling me encouraging words to motivate me. Yes, I know u ppl mean well, and to be frank, I can understand what some of u r trying to say, but the simple fact is that I know all that u ppl r saying. I mean... Well... I do watch TV dramas and the actors/actress will always use such motivating words to encourage. But haiz, I don't mean to offend any1, but seriously, I've GIVEN UP n I wish I can just escape. Yes, escape. I'm juz trying to escape from reality, and pls, sometimes I really wish I can just sleep forever....... For eternity.......

"Dear Lord,
I'm a sinner, and I know I've sinned too much. I know I deserved to be punished for my sins. But if You have to mete out any punishment, does it have to be like this>? "

"Why have you forsaken me?
In your eyes forsaken me
In your thoughts forsaken me
In your heart forsaken me."

Some idiots in my bunk who r just so inconsiderate.

They could talk from 1030pm to almost 1am, and they juz talked non-stop. Wtf. Worse, they can actually smoke inside the bunk with the rest of us inhaling their second-hand smoke. I thought that's the end. It's when I thought I was "dreaming" as I started hearing music and I woke up at around 330am. Yes, sum1 turned on the radio to FM 933 and played the music rather LOUDLY all the way until it's time to wake up for day, which is around 545am for me.

Fark. How on earth can any1 sleep in peace like this. I will bring along a ear-plug next time. Damn these ppl.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RulEUl-rMB0

Okay, lots of changes this week. So those in HQ platoon present last week were made to choose between "1st class soldier" or "2nd class soldier". Wellz, guess I know the real difference now. For "2nd class", u juz need to stay in coy office WHOLE day n do admin stuff n to be more exact, do nth lorz. If nth to do can go to the mess n play games n watch TV. For "1st class" soldier, we need to take part in training n supposedly to go field camp today arz. Even u wat broken leg, broken hand or watever thing also must go field camp. It's like... .... ... ... .. .. **no comments**

O... N I was posted to "bravo" coy aka mono-intake coy. Hmm... My bunk ppl r quite interesting I'll say. Tattos, vulgarities like greetings n all smokers even though some r younger than me. Haiz, n I kinda feel tt I can't adapt well. Yesterday when I was juz posted there, i was greeted by asking me to go pack my standard field pack as we r goin off to field camp today. It's like "wow...", ain't it "abit" too soon?

And on Monday someone in my my new Bravo coy had chicken pox, and so some bunks were asked to "quanritine"(donno how to spell). Yaz, lucky mine doesn't have. And most interesting of all, my PS is 1st SGT melissa. Yup, is a female. She has the IPPT logo on her rank showing her IPPT is very good... and I can only say she's like the "modern" version of Hua Mu Lan, those super chiong sua 1. Her platoon ppl always make fun of her by calling her "mother love".Wow... And when she shout, her voice tend to go abit high pitch n my ears hurt. Well, a totally new environment. Haiz, also donno wat lies ahead.

P.S Pls don ask me what I'm doing here in a Wed afternoon.

I did alot of thinking yesterday and today. I mean literally lots of "thinking", but mostly senseless ones. I had this feeling of jealousy, envy and hatred in me. Things like what have I done to deserve to deserve all these fark up nonsense, why my camp is so fark up whereby some of my friends' camps r better than mine. I was talking to denzil and louis on msn ystd, and they r in OCS, yet they think my camp is ridiculous. They were like asking things how I wash my clothes when we cnt bring clothes back etc. Kaoz.

I'm getting pissed off for no particular reason. Life's not fair. I'm not even going SISPEC or OCS. I'm juz a bloody man. Why the fark do they wan to have all these shit. And one thing I'm quite annoyed. I mean... Most of my friends in their units r basically undergoing courses which require them to do studying, some lectures, and maybe abit of PT to "even" things out. My camp? I think they r like juz training a bunch of roborts to be in tip-top condition as if we r goin to war now.

And I guess not many ppl understand ppl understand how I feel. Many ppl would tell me "O.. u r only left with 19 mths of NS arz.. Just get it done with and everything will be fine. Blah blah..."
Easier said than done. Just look at my coy's current status n u shld have a "rough" idea smth is wrong. 4 weeks into it and 50% of the ppl r on status.

Haiz, I juz hate life as it is. Later must book-in. Haiz, I really dread going back to the camp. N pls don tell me things will change for the better. It's a fact that now it's juz the starting n things will get much tougher. I admit I cnt take it. To be frank, if right now u ask me to join back the main fighting force after 2.5 weeks when I didn't exercise, I think I will juz die. Literally die. Yes, the exponential increasing insanity of the training, I can tell u ppl in the SAF tt I won't be able to take it. U can take my life if u want.

P.S. I'm juz venting some anger. Pls don get irritated if anything I mention have offended u.

I was away from 4SIR for 2 weeks, and so so so many things have changed, for the worse of course. And cuz of my condition, I have to be transferred out of scouts and put in a so'called temp platoon, called "HQ platoon". From morning to night is just area cleaning, area cleaning, and more area cleaning. Okay, I seriously don mind doing it for the rest of 17 months.

Right now, the chin-up regim has increased from 16 pull-ups b4 each meal(that was when I was "fighting fit" 2 weeks ago) to that of 24 pull-ups b4 each meal. Well, that adds up to 72 pull-ups a day, and NOT forgetting the hundreds of standard/close up/spider push-ups everyday. And starting this week, the scouts platoon needs to have their FBO on the whole day, from the first parade when they fall in till the last parade when they announce RO. That includes going to cookhouse for meals and so on.

**FBO = SBO + standard field pack + 2 EXTRA 1.5 litres water bottle juz to add weight

On Thursday they wanted to have their 1st SOC trial run. And before that, they had some kind of "warm-up". The warm up includes stretching and of course the 3km run with SBO, helmet and rifle. Yes, that's warm-up. I was the usher, and as I saw my friends run, they were all like crying out to me that they wan to die when they run past me. And luckily on tt day, by the time they run finish, the weather was too hot, and so they decided to cancel the SOC. I nearly had another panic attack when I saw them run past me, the expression in their faces.

For those fighting fit ones, this week is simply PT, PT, PT, PT and more PT in the morning and afternoon. No lectures, no nth. Just purely train on PT. And for those in the HQ platoon, which is my platoon, whole day just do area cleaning. Everyday stand-by toilet, stand-by bunk, stand-by ground floor compound and all the stand-by.

As far as yesterday was concern, this is my coy's status now:

1) 47 ppl in HQ platoon.
2) 22 ppl on atten C, medical appt or operations out of the 47. (which means ystd left only 25 ppl in HQ platoon in camp)
3) 30+ ppl pending downgrade out of the 47.
4) 4 ppl needs to walk using clutches n their conditions r so bad that they r asked to go back home to rest cuz it's very "unsightly" to see them like tt according to the OC.
5) Left only 50+ ppl fighting fit.
6) Support coy is SO lack of manpower that we have to transfer ppl from alpha, bravo and charlie coy (mono-intakes) to help fill up the "vacancies".

Currently I juz changed bunk, from 4th level to 2nd level, which is the HQ platoon bunk. Out of the 14 beds, every night only got 3 ppl sleeping, 2 of them r storemans, they r going to ORD soon, and actually they not really considered the "main" manpower. In other words, I'm like the only 1 left in my bunk. The other 11 ppl r obviously on atten C. And everytime I was in bunk I have to be on the high alert for instructions, in case they juz shout for fall-in or wat then if I never hear then die liaoz. Kaoz.

Yesterday the CO came down personally to talk to the 25 of us in HQ platoon. He was REAL pissed off at the status as like so many ppl on status. He scolded us that we r wasting the nation's time, nation's resources and nation's money. Say wat every meal we eat cost $5, n we r like not contributing to the nation and blah blah. He made us write a confession, to write whether we want to be 1st class or 2nd class soldiers, how we can contribute to the unit, and how can the unit help us. And he said the 47 of us belong to the "gray shade". N he said he will investigate to make sure all of us will turn from "gray" to "black n white". In other words, if for example u have injury, he will make sure ur injury is so serious that u r going to have injury for the rest of ur life (which means even physiotherapy will not work), if not u must join back the main fighting fit force. All of us were so shocked and scared. No ones dare to say or do anything. We r juz stunned.

Wellz, 15 ppl chose 1st class, and 10 ppl chose 2nd class. I chose 1st class (obviously). For 1st class soldier, he will try to accomodate in to our request n MAYBE post us out to donno where, For 2nd class, they will remain in support coy n do all the "sai-kang", such as do COS duty, guard duty, which means MOST of ur weekends will be burnt.

Yesterday my HQ platoon had to book out one hour later than the fighting-fit ppl, cuz our area cleaning is not good. Some of us wanted to "smuggle" clothes out to wash. the CSM saw one guy's bag was so bulky, he quickly said he give us chance to own-up and go back bunk to put back all our clothes, and if later he spot-check our bag got clothes, he will CHARGE us for cheating. So all of us went back bunk and put our dirty clothes back in our cupboard and then come down to get ready for book-out. There was a new PC, he was here for like 1 or 2 weeks only, then we heard him asking the CSM izzit we cannot bring clothes back, then the CSM was like "yes sir, they r not allowed to bring clothes back". The sir had that shocked face and stunned. Kaoz.

I'm home-sicked. For the first time I really really feel that it's so shiok to be back at home. I've never felt much better. Even 7 days of field camp is nth compared to how our dear SAF has treated us NSF guys.

These few days have really made me learn to cherish so many things. Really, and most importantly kinship and friendship. If not for my parents, especially my mum who had been coming everyday to visit me, and becuz of me she had very bad sleeping patterns and lost 5kg in a week. That's like..."wow..." really... I really thank God for placing such a nice and caring mum in my world. Definitely not 4getting my father and sister as well. Also, thanks to my many friends who took turns to visit me. If not for u guys, I think I would have committed suicide and died.

I remember when I was still schooling, I used to have a simple plan for my future. Do well for A-levels, serve NS, get into uni, go get a decent degree, get a good job, start a family and take care of my parents. I believe many ppl may also have such a thinking, I donno. Whatever it is, these things seem so distant now. I can't even imagine if I will be able to reach the day when I can call myself an "uni undergraduate", n obviously anything further down the timeline seem even more impossible.

These few days I've been questioning myself. How much does one human life cost? Is it cheap or is it priceless? I donno. And I believe in one thing. If u r like the junk of the society, ur life is definitely cheap and worthless. No one even cares abt ur existence. On the other hand, if u r like the jewel of the society, contributing much to the society, ppl will show great respect to u, and if u ever die then many ppl will moan over ur death.

Ask urself this simple ques. Which category do u belong to? If u belong to the former, then I encourage u to just go and die. Stop wasting earth's resources in keeping u alive. If u belong to the latter, then good for u, may ur life ahead be smooth.

Life's a mess now. Fark it. I also donno what's gonna happen to me.

WORLD CUP 2006 IS GONNA START REAL SOON!!!

I'm so gonna root for Japan and Korea for world cup!! But seems like Japan's fate is more or less sealed since she's in the same group as Brazil. Haiz, tough luck for Japan. Nevertheless, I really hope Korea can kick some asses of france, switzerland and togo. Muhahaha, hope it comes true!

What's so great abt POP? No offence, but I seriously don understand y some ppl can make such a big hoo-har over such a minor event. If it's "ORD" we r refering to, then I will have no comments, but for goodness, it's only 'POP' we r refering to! End of POP would mark the start of life at another unit for ur remaining 1.5 yrs of NS life for some ppl like me.

Someone has certainly pissed me off which I shouldn't elaborate much on it. I seriously hope that I won't ever ever get to see that person in my whole life, and definitely not in my new unit. Nevertheless, this guy has certainly given me the chance to make me do things that I've never done b4, which includes pointing my long middle finger at this person in front of the whole section n shout "F*** OFF LAR LOSER!" till every1 goes "OMG! WeiYang is pissed off alas!". Sometimes I really don't understand brain that doesn't work. How can sum1 be so ignorant that when the whole section is making "eye signal" as we talked bad abt him RIGHT infront of him and yet he seems enjoy scolding himself by interupting with nasty comments abt "whoever" we r toking to. And afterawhile he would ask if we were toking abt him. Manz. Can sum1 just invent a machine that can analyse brain that ACTUALLY works! That would be a great contribution to the human society I supposed.

For now, I shall just ASSUME I'm a civillian and "enjoy" life while I can. Haiz. It's still a long way to go b4 I get my ass out of NS.

Just came back from a tour agency with my family. Will be going Thailand Bangkok for 3 days next Sun 11th Jun till 13th Jun Tues. Arz... Can relax liaoz, but I hope there's no last min changes that require me to go back tekong on these 3 days. Even if there is...I think most likely I will AWOL or atten C or maybe ask my "beloved" PC to refund me my $$$ since he's the 1 who granted me permission to go overseas. And I juz realised that on Thurs will be my day1 status and so Fri is my stupid NE trip. So that's only left with Sat, which I hope there's NO 24km route march. Even IF there is....I think I will..... *censored*

So it's 4 more days to POP, don't know if I shld feel happy or sad. Happy as BMT is coming to an end and I get to slack for around 10 days or so b4 being posted to my new unit. Why sad? Cuz it's getting very slack now and I wish tt this can continue for the rest of my NS life (in my dreams). It's even better if u r excused for 7 days of light duties till the day I POP next wed. Arz... Why have I become so slack nowadays!?

But on a lighter note, I'm fortunate to be selected for MP! I hope I did okay for the interview, and with so many ppl wanting to go command sch, hopefully my chance of going MP is higher. And I really hope to be posted to some guard duty unit at some camp so tt I can go home almost everyday! Although nth has been confirmed yet, I really really wish I'm not posted to 1st Guards or some other horrible units.

Surprisingly, I managed to clear all the 11 obstacles course during my SOC half run-down. And for the first time, I cleared the jacob's ladder w/o stopping at the top and "moon-walked" for 5 min or so. Phew... And on Wed was the disaster cuz I had my 16km route march while others have their 24km. It's quite fun to walk in the night although it's not cooling at all and most of us were like totally covered with sweat. Started from 330pm and ended at 1pm. Although it's only 16km, I really hope that it's gonna be the LAST route march and SOC in my whole life if I'm posted to MP. Haiz... I'm really starting to worry abt my posting result.